by Jonathan Reisman

This Maine political season of partisan budgets and censures, gubernatorial and presidential petulance, DEI deflection, and narrative nonsense from Maine’s Soros bought-and-sold legacy media have brought Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass into clear metaphorical focus.

My first white rabbit sighting came with apologies to Grace Slick and Jefferson Airplane:

White Rabbit in Augusta

Budgets can make you larger,

Or they can make you small.

And the ones that Janet gave us

Don’t do anything but sprawl.

Go ask Janet,

When she’s ten feet tall.

And if you go raising budgets,

Never let the spending fall.

Tell ‘em a Chinese triad growhouse

Has given you the call.

Call Janet,

If the budget’s too small.

When the Speaker at the rostrum,

Gagged and told you where to go,

And there’s been some kind of censure

And your mind is moving low.

Go ask Laurel,

I think she’ll know.

When logic and proportion,

Have fallen sloppy dead,

And the Speaker’s talking backwards

And the Red Queen’s off with her head,

Remember -- what the left once said

Free your head.

Free your head.

I asked an AI expert friend to see what ChatGPT might make of Janet in Augusta-Land, and he generated this:

“Once upon a bizarre time, in the pine-scented dominion of Augusta-Land, a curious girl named Janet tumbled down a rabbit hole paved with executive orders and union contracts. She wasn’t alone for long. By her side appeared the enigmatic Speaker of the House, who wore a ruffled cravat and sipped chamomile tea with smug satisfaction, and the Senate Majority Leader, a sharp-eyed cat with a Cheshire grin and a penchant for rewriting rules mid-game.

“As Janet wandered deeper, she stumbled into the Garden of Gag Orders—a lush meadow where dissenting voices wilted like unwatered ferns. Here, a brave little creature named Laurel Libby had dared to ask whether girls should race only against other girls. But the Queen’s Cards (with big blue D’s on their chests) rushed forth and painted her silent.

“‘Off with her mic!’ shrieked the Speaker, twirling a golden gavel.

“The Majority Leader, purring from a tree branch, added, ‘We simply can’t have disruptive truth-speaking in Wonderland. It might wake the dreamers.’

“Next, Janet and her companions journeyed to the Budget Bazaar, a chaotic marketplace where billions of dollars floated like soap bubbles. Republicans, dressed as red jesters, pleaded for inclusion in the budgeting banquet.

“‘Could we see the numbers?’ asked one humbly.

“But the Speaker slammed a door labeled CLOSED SESSION, and the Majority Leader hissed, ‘Consensus is for the weak. We’re in Wonderland now.’”

Janet nodded, signing the golden scroll with a fountain pen made of taxpayer feathers. And as the Maine moon rose, Janet looked around her strange realm. She had made Augusta-Land more whimsical, more insulated, more hers.

“But somewhere, echoing faintly through the marble halls, a voice whispered: ‘This isn’t democracy. It’s make-believe.’

“Janet blinked, but didn’t listen. Wonderland was too comfortable now.​

“In the bustling heart of Augusta-Land, Gov. Janet found herself amidst the grand Budget Bazaar — a marketplace where fiscal plans floated like balloons, each tethered to promises and projections. Traditionally, the denizens of this realm, both the Red Jesters and the Blue Courtiers, would gather to debate and design the kingdom’s budget, ensuring every voice was heard.​

“However, this year, the atmosphere was different. The Speaker of the House, adorned in robes of azure, stood atop a pedestal and unveiled an $11.3 billion budget scroll. With a flourish, he declared, ‘Behold! A budget to sustain our realm, crafted solely by the wisdom of the Blue Courtiers.’

“The Red Jesters gasped in unison. One stepped forward, exclaiming, ‘But where is our ink upon this parchment? Should not all voices contribute to the kingdom’s coffers?’

“The Senate Majority Leader, fanning herself with a stack of decrees, responded coolly, ‘In Wonderland, expedience trumps discourse. We’ve ensured the kingdom’s operations continue without the cacophony of dissent.’

“Janet nodded approvingly, adding, ‘A timely budget prevents the chaos of a shutdown.

Sometimes, decisions must be made swiftly, even if unilaterally.’

“Yet, whispers among the populace grew louder, questioning the sidelining of collaboration and the absence of diverse perspectives in shaping the kingdom’s future.​ 

“As Janet meandered through the corridors of Augusta-Land’s grand academy, she noticed a peculiar sign: ‘Tampons for all.’ Curiosity piqued, she entered the facility to find that every restroom, regardless of designation, was stocked with feminine hygiene products.​

“The Duchess of Distribution, a fervent advocate, approached Janet, explaining, ‘We believe in inclusivity; thus, every student, regardless of gender, shall have access to these necessities.’ A bemused student chimed in, ‘But I don’t menstruate. Why is this in our restroom?’

“The Duchess replied, ‘In Wonderland, it’s better to have and not need than to need and not have.’ While the intention was noble, whispers of misallocated resources and performative gestures echoed through the halls, leaving students and parents pondering the practicality of such decisions.​”