by Jonathan Reisman

The last time I played Clue, my grade school grandniece beat me handily with a combination of misdirection, bluffs, and disinformation. I think she has a future in the Biden White House. I, on the other hand, will be channeling the Pink Panther’s Inspector Clouseau in attempting to discern the cocaine culprit. Of course, the White House Press corps and KJP, the “historic” first black lesbian Press Secretary, have demonstrated they aren’t exactly Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, or even Nancy Drew, so it is not stiff competition. Maybe Alicia Silverstone in Clueless? 

Who done it?

Hunter in the library because he lost his crack pipe, and the FBI hasn’t returned his laptop, which had all his drug dealer and influence peddling passwords and contacts. Hunter is, of course, the obvious choice, given his addiction and amazing abstract art ability. But would Hunter actually endanger his sweetheart plea deal, even given his history of gold medal skating from any accountability? His Dad says, “He’s the smartest man I know.” Of course, intelligence and character are not the same thing, and former Secretary of Defense Bill Robert Gates averred that the Big Guy has historically been wrong about almost everything.

Kamala in the West Wing concocting word salad. It is not easy to continuously spout off meaningless nonsense, and such VEEP thoughts require creativity and inspiration. Being stoned probably helps. On the other hand, the VEEP claims extensive ganja experience, so maybe it was really weed salad.

“Dr.” Jill, in a somnambulant trance, preparing Joe’s dementia medication. She was allegedly attempting to remove a stain on the family reputation and muttering, “Out damn spot.” I am sticking to that line.

Vladmir Putin on social media in the classroom in incognito robotic drag. Because, of course, it is Russian disinformation combined with AI and drag queen story hour.

Donald Trump in the secure document room nosing around for proof that the 2020 election was rigged and he was robbed.

Secretaries of State and Treasury Blinken and Yellen returning from kowtowing to China with a healthy supply of coke to complement their open border supply of fentanyl and child sex trafficking.

Secretary of Transportation Mayor Pete Buttigieg watching old “What’s My Line” shows attempting to find his job description and avoid responsibility for air travel odysseys and train derailments.

California Governor Gavin Newsom in the Oval Office measuring the drapes.

Former First Lady Michele Obama in the West Wing measuring her chances.

Hillary Clinton in the bathroom installing an e-mail server.

Former Judge and Attorney General Merrick Garland in chambers in charge of unequal justice.

FBI Director Christopher Wray in Contempt of Congress.

Public Health Overlord Tony Fauci channeling Cher singing “If I could Turn Back Time” and wishing to return to the good old days of worshipful fawning and social media censorship, but thankful for a still largely compliant and idiotic Press and President.

Senator Elizabeth Warren in the Native American Heritage Room protesting the end of affirmative action, since she would never have a become a Harvard prof without fraudulently abusing racial preferences.

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson in chambers protesting white line privilege and the end of the affirmative action preferences that got her to SCOTUS. VEEP Kamala joined her in concurrence.   

Given the recent record of accomplishment/ineptitude of federal law enforcement investigating the Supreme Court Dobbs decision leak, Hunter Biden and his laptop, Joe Biden’s sexual assault of his Senate staffer, and the Biden crime family’s corruption, I would be shocked if the actual culprit is ever revealed and prosecuted. Call it Biden family values or progressive privilege.