How Do You Solve a Problem Like Kamala?
by Jonathan Reisman
Mid-August brought the Perseid meteor showers, blueberries, and Jeoparody to my inbox. JEOPARODY! was the annual Blueberry Festival musical this year, featuring almost 2 hours of maestro Gene Nichols’ sendups and some impressive pipes and musicianship from the Machias area community. I thoroughly enjoyed the dress rehearsal at Centre Street Congregational Church. Laughter is more essential than ever as the pressures of the Presidential election mount and the potential consequences make me wonder where I could move to if the United States is fundamentally transformed into a socialist DEI hellhole. As I pondered that unsettling migration, Kamala announced her anti-inflation policies would include price controls and confronting corporate greed. That led to the following:
How do you solve a problem like Kamala?
(With apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein, the Sound of Music, and Maria/Julie Andrews for the Kamala comparison)
She climbs for free and was named VP
Her image doesn’t wear
She waltzes away from interviews
And whistles to be “fair”
Her votes and speeches never fail
To thoroughly curdle my hair
Watch her break ties in the Senate
She's always fake for starters
But her fakery is real
She's always fake for everything
That’s her real deal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Kamala’s not an asset to the country
I'd like to say a word… she seems to try
But Kamala… makes me… cry
How do you solve a problem like Kamala?
How do you catch a clown and pin her down?
How do you find a word that means Kamala?
A flibbertigibbet! A will-o'-the-wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
When she was raised by Willie Brown’s hand?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Kamala?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!
She'd out pester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!
She's a headache! She's an angel!
She's a girl! (with apologies for defining gender)
How do you solve a problem like Kamala?
How do you catch a clown and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Kamala?
A flibbertigibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
When she was raised by Willie Brown’s hand?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Kamala?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
